


Hesitation

by Catsarecutebutaliens



Series: trauma blues [9]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Study, Dark Doctor (Doctor Who), Mentioned Past Companions (Doctor Who), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Doctor & The Master (Doctor Who) Friendship, The Doctor on His Own, Trauma, i don't even know she's morally ambiguous and just done with herself and the world and so am i
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26033512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catsarecutebutaliens/pseuds/Catsarecutebutaliens
Summary: The Doctor stands in front of a lever and she hesitates.Alone.There is no one left to make her decision for her, and she is not sure she trusts herself to make the right choice.
Series: trauma blues [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1712221
Kudos: 8





	Hesitation

It's almost ridiculous, the way she shies away from pulling the lever that will send her back to them. 

They weren't supposed to leave, gods, she would have never let them leave. There is her TARDIS, her closest thing to a partner, an actual, immortal companion, and then there's them.

Weak, feeble, easy to kill or injure, and, even though she would never admit it to him, the Master was right, her pets. 

Friends, sure, in a sense they are, but she doesn't need them, doesn't want to need them. They die, they leave, they break her heart - chip off small parts of it until what's left is wrecked and bleeding.

It's a bargain, not an equal one but their adventure of a lifetime for a few months, maybe years with some luck, of simple entertainment.

The Doctor knows how to be alone, she has spent centuries watching stars die and planets fall to dust from the comforts of her burning home. Then again, she has never been alone.

A TARDIS and an enemy, a friend. Two timelords and a box, waiting for the sun to shine again on a desolate, charred earth as they chase each other through the universe.

There is no need to go after her humans, no drive to see them again. Still, she stands in front of the lever and she hesitates. Because they were her pets. Because they left and she never crossed the finish line with them. 

Because the Master might be finally gone and she is not sure how to balance their scale alone.

They might be dead weight, but they tip the scale enough to hold her back, enough to let the Master be the darkness and the Doctor the light.  
They are her goodness, her tie to morals and compassion. A connection to what she was and what she could become once again.

She did not see his light die, but she felt her own succumb without his oxygen.

_I need you to know we're not so different._

  
_Can you hear them? The drums?_

  
_I need my friend back._

_Kneel._

The Doctor stands in front of the lever and she hesitates.

**Author's Note:**

> Still in writer's block, still depressed. So is she. I am just shamelessly projecting at this point but it's midnight and fun. The quotes are talen directly from my head so probably not entirely accurate.


End file.
